I GIVE UP ON GOING OUT SHOPPING EVER AGAIN

I have tried to alter my life to suit my needs of going shopping. I fully understand it is the minority that cause me to feel the way I do. I had put off posting this as I was coming to terms with what has happened and this will perhaps explain to others in my Postive Life blog why I am so upset and even possibly depressed.

This happened last Friday night and I still have the remains of the bruise. I can't walk far so use a wheelchair to go shopping in. Despite all my best efforts to avoid instances like this a shopper banged their shopping basket in my eye.

The supermarket answer to this problem is that I now get escorted by a member of staff (taking them away from their duties) to assist me with my shopping, so that they can see where problems are occurring. I just wanted to be normal and go shopping.

I know of other people who have had a hip replaced been to Shopmobility and refuse to go shopping in a wheelchair ever again.

I have to wait for the bruising to go down before I can get it checked again at the hospital as this is the same eye that had laser eye surgery on it from the last incident.

As you can see this is no minor bump or perhaps I just bruise too easily.

Fed up Fee

Car

Last year 8 days before I got married the car's front springs had broken and cost over £200 to be replaced.

Today the car went for a full service, good job too as it turns out. A lot needed to be done to the car. The rear springs have apparently broken and the tyres need replacing. We don't do that many miles mainly to and from hospital which means going over speed bumps along the route.

The reason we booked the car in this week is that we are going to a Macmillan conference later this month and decided to check the car over before we went. We were given the price of the full service when it was booked in. Being organised I decided to pay the cost of the full service at the weekend when we dropped the keys in to the dealers so they could collect the car.

Today I receive a telephone call from the dealers to authorise the work. I passed them on to my husband and left him to make the decisions.

After the stress the car caused last year prior to going to London I now leave all the decisions to do with it to my husband.

It is typical we are going to London and the car has problems yet again.

It is a financial payment we could have done without having to make at this moment but never mind at least safety comes first.

An upsetting Day

I have been to a Macmillan Cancer Support Network Site Specific Group (NSSG) meeting today.

I learnt a lot from speaking to others at the meeting some were professionals others were patients.

I had felt it was worthwhile and learnt quite a lot about cancer journeys of other patients and how to behave at NSSG meetings.

When I got home this evening we put the news on. I started to cry. Steve came into the kitchen and held me. Why? Patrick Swayze has passed away and lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. May you rest in peace Patrick. You will be remembered for a very long time.

I don't know why his death has hit more than that of Keith Floyd but it has hit me hard and I can't stop crying over Patrick. I never met him but his story has hit me hard.

Steve understands bless him and I feel assured that I will not be alone.

Best wishes to everyone

Fee

Organisation or lack of it

I went to the hospital for yet another appointment. I had been waiting for this one since the 27th February.

I was examined by the registrar only to be informed that as it is so long ago since I had my internal scan done in February that I now have to wait for another appointment to come through the post and have the scan. If they had looked through my notes prior to seeing me they would have realised I needed another internal scan and it may have been possible to arrange it for today but never mind. Just another waiting game.

I am in a catch 22 situation. I have adhesions on my bowel and if I do have an ovarian cyst which needs operating on these adhesions will be affected. They do not want to carry out any more surgery than is necessary as this will increase the adhesions which are scar tissue.

They cannot remove the adhesions as if they do more will form in the place. I therefore have to live with the condition.

It is fingers crossed that the scan will be clear and that no further surgical intervention is needed.

So I am back in the waiting game.

At least I am keeping myself busy. October looms with various conferences in London to attend.

I have lots to keep me occupied for now so that I can take my mind off my health worries.

Feeling tired today not really surprised.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Best wishes

Fee

HOSPITAL AGAIN

I wasn't worried about my hospital appointment today. I thought I would be in and out but it wasn't like that. I saw the vampire again for blood tests.

I have to have a bronchoscopy on 4th August.

I also discovered that I have a gynae appointment on the 14th August. I have been waiting for this appointment since the 27th February.

So a glut of hospital appointments all at once. TYPICAL me.

Never mind I know there are others far worse off than me and I will cope and get through everything thrown at me. I just have to break it down into little sections and try not to worry too much.

My biggest worry was last week so the rest should be easy.

Best wishes to everyone

Fee

HIDING

I want to hide and run away from everything that is happening to me.

Hospital appointments are looming one is tomorrow the other the following Wednesday.

I want to bury myself in my blankets and go to sleep forever. I know life is for living but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I wish my life could be easy. Life is tough I know that more than most. I just wish I could overcome my fear of walking through those hospital doors and sit in the waiting room of the clinic. That is the worst for me the waiting. I hope it is not too long this time.

Many times before I have been sat in the waiting room and nearly bolted out of it. It is fear but what on earth am I afraid of?

My head is in my hands and I keep shaking. The more times I go to hospital the worse it is. Ignorance is bliss, well it is in my eyes and under these circumanstances.

Once tomorrow's appointment is over so will the fear be.

Then the day before the next one the fear will start again.

I wish I could control my feelings but then that would make me boring I suppose. It shows I am human and have feelings too.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

I am Fat

Having discovered I have gained a waist of 38" I am on a mission to lose the added weight I have gained. Not only will I be going swimming but I am also going to be using this dvd http://www.officialleanne.com/

So I am determined to lose the weight which is aggravating my joints and lose my writers bum.

Best wishes to everyone

Fee

A bit like Buses

Why oh why does this happen in my life. I have been waiting for several appointments at the hospital since 27th February. Now some of them are scheduled for next month. Well three at least and I haven't heard about the rest yet.

I was hoping they would be spread out throughout the year so that I could really enjoy July.

Never mind job searching will have to go on to the back burner yet again. Just my luck. I pluck up thoughts to be positive and look for work to regain my independence but hey ho.

Scuppered again.

Well as the song goes I get knocked down but I get up again. This is what is going to keep me going.

I have also discovered a wasit size of 38" EEEK this in some manufacturers of clothing means I am an 18. Strange how my size 14 leggings fit but they are stretchy so that makes up for a lot. So it is definitely off to the swimming pool with me this week.

So it is an early start for me tomorrow. I aim to be in the pool at 7 am.

Best wishes

Fee

TB or not TB that is the question?

I have discovered my eldest nephew has TB. Now it appears that the asthma I was diagnosed with in November possibly isn't asthma. I am symptomatic of TB and really hope it isn't. I had the injection while at school the BCG to prevent me getting TB but as I have a low immune system I seem to get everything that is going. The reason I am at risk is any close family contact with anyone with TB and inhaling their breath from a living environment is more likely to contract the disease rather than a one off meeting outside the home. As my nephew was living with us prior to us getting married this is where the infection may have come from. My nephew has contracted it from living on the streets at a young age. Hopefully things will now improve for him.

I had a chest X-ray on Friday and will get the results this Friday. The TB nurse was really helpful and tried to put my mind at rest but as I have had close contact with my nephew it is a possibility. My husband will be checked as a matter of routine later on but the TB nurse was really concerned especially when she heard me coughing on the phone.

So I am in the middle of a waiting game. My nephew has medication to take for the next nine months (yes the length of time for waiting for a baby to arrive).

Oh boy my life seems to be a waiting game for various things at the moment.

I am coping as best I can and have turned to TFT for assistance too. This is certainly helping in reducing my stress levels.

This is having an impact on all my plans at the moment and I am trying not to let anything get in the way of what I want to achieve.

I just have to cope somehow.

At least it isn't lung cancer which is what he was being tested for for many months. The worry has been immense.

Best wishes.

Fee

Coping

Well last night was the first night I started taking my "mild" anti-depressants. Tried as I might to get some sleep, I was tossing and turning and unable to drift off into a long sleep which I am longng for. Yet again I had to get up and visit the bathroom. Yet again I returned to bed I even watched telly to alleviate how I felt and in the hope if I found something good on no doubt I would drop off to sleep half way through it.

All my hopes of getting a good night's sleep were dashed. It didn't happen.

Why have I been put on anti-depressants? Since mother's day I have had suicidal tendencies and I was trying to cope with everything like benefits not coming through when they should dealing with debts and trying to keep on top of everything else. Meanwhile my body is saying enough is enough and causing me more problems with other symptoms rearing their ugly head.

My back constantly hurts. My legs swell up and look like tree trunks. The muscle spasms are still occurring and I am trying my best to be positive but this positivity disappears at night when it is dark outside. A black cloud seems to loom above me and takes over my mind with one thought only I ought to get out of here.

During the day I try to conquer this feeling and do my best to be positive. The lack of sleep makes me tired and I get crabby. I am only human after all. I suppose in a way I am lucky I am still at home. Look at Spike Milligan what an inspiration. It is this that keeps me going.

I suppose people who have a talent no matter what it is will also have black moments and feel they can't cope.

I am lucky I have the support of my husband without who I would not be here today and he knows that full well.

I feel like a split personality desperately trying to stay positive while all around me is collapsing in disarray.

I am like a coin I have two sides one positive the other negative. I try to hide the negative side but that is true life we all have burdens to bear.

I am fortunate in that I can be honest with myself and others in what I have endured and am enduring. I have a counsellor and now my medication. One day I will beat these feelings and be able to lock them up in a box but for now they are scattered on the floor and have to be tidied up just like I have emptied out a large old school trunk.

I will keep going and one day everything will be tidy, in its own space and place and it will then I will be able to be at peace but in the meantime I am like a ship riding out a storm.

Best wishes

Fee

More problems

I have been dianosed yesterday with cluster migraines. Oh boy this was a shock when it hit last night. I have had migraines in the past but this was scary.

My left eye swelled and pain spread down my face. I could not cope with light and felt terribly sick. I was quite scared. We phoned the doctors straight away and was given an appointment straigtht away at the out of hours service. We got there and the doctor was extremely kind.

I thought it may have been a link to Bells Palsy again something I have suffered with in the past.

When he told me it was a cluster migraine I was relieved it was nothing more serious. I have a lot of medication at home and luckily some of that will treat this condition.

I was relieved to be going back home. Poor Steve was up and down like a yo yo in the night looking after me as I was unable to pull the covers back onto the sofa where I am sleeping and during the night I ended up moaning in my sleep so he came down to comfort me.

I am glad it was nothing more serious.

I have had enough of being ill.

Best wishes

Fee

Struggling

I was hoping to have finished a cot blanket. I had completed all the 64 individually knitted squares and then hit disaster last night. I could not get them to sew up correctly. My hands being swollen does not help but I was determined to give it a go. Steve looked at my efforts and took it around to a neighbour. She commented on one of my seams and that made me want to make it perfectly. I therefore tried unpicking the seam I had sewn only to discover it was not a seam I was unpicking but the squares themselves.

So I will endeavour to try again and make the squares match up again.

I hope I can complete it as I am not a defeatist.

Best wishes

Fee

Hospital again

I am off to hospital today. Can't believe this time last week I was getting ready for a bone scan. Today I see a rheumatologist so a long queue at the appointment desk before being herded into the main waiting room only then to be called to whichever clinic area I need to go to.

I just don't understand why when you have an appointment you can't go straight to the clinic area you need to go to especially if you regularly but that is not the procedure. The reason is that at the appointments desk is where the notes are stored and when you arrived your notes are passed by a secretary to a WRVS volunteer who then calls you from the main waiting area.

When I was a medical secretary many moons ago the notes were automatically with you at the clinic and you just passed them directly to the consultant as each patient arrived and they were then retrieved at the end of each appointment and transport arrangements were noted for those that needed them.

So am not looking forward to this morning and the queues at all.

To have to pay for the privilege of parking is also another necessity for me oh well at least I am prepared and have my £2 ready.

Just got to drag this weary body off to have a shower and brush up and then climb into leisure gear in case I end up having further tests that I have already encountered lets hope its not another visit to the "Vampire" blood tests to you and me.

Not lost my sense of humour but nearly did in the last few weeks I have had.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Best wishes

Fee

Another Hospital Appointment Looms

Yet another hospital appointment looms. They seem to be coming like buses you wait for ages then they all come at once.

One thing I am doing though is counteracting them with positive things to do as much as possible like trying to sit on the sofa watching DVDs with my new husband (still can't believe we not had our honeymoon yet). What matters most is we get through all this together.

Honeymoons are a luxury we can ill afford at the moment what with various hospital appointments not knowing when or where I will get a call for the next appointment. This feels like a nightmare at times.

I am desperately trying to stay positive so that the severe depression does not win. It is so hard to do this as the slightest thing can bring it on.

I do what I can to alleviate the symptoms I try not to rely on too much medication and this seems to be working but there are days when I am human and get down.

I want to change the way things are done that get me down and I want it done like yesterday. I know I am not alone in the form filling nightmare with regards to benefits and feel that there should be a better way forward than what there currently is.

I counted up my consultants yesterday so far I have 10 and yet I still have to apply for DLA nearly every six months and these forms are a nightmare without the help of someone who knows the wording that is wanted for these forms it is nigh on impossible to get the benefits you are entitled to. I know I have been there too many times and in January finally got someone from the DWP to help us with these. Even with their help I have only been awarded DLA until 2010.

This means more form filling next year. I wish I wasn't so ill I wish I was "normal". I used to run, skip, jump and really enjoy life now every day is full of pain of some sort whether it be physical or mental it just drains my soul.

Some days I wake up and think what is the point of today, what can I do to make a difference? If I feel too ill the answer is rest and do nothing. Other times it is get out there and complain to my MP or write letters or campaign in anyway I can to try and change things.

Other days it is just putting my thoughts on to paper that helps me through the day.

Best of all I love surprising people as to see the joy on their faces means so much to me.

I just wish things were different in so many ways but they are not. They have happened for a reason to me and I have to fathom out what I can do to change things to help others who follow this horrid journey.

It is not all doom and gloom as I say I hardly sit here feeling sorry for myself I try and change things one way or another.

Whether it be a phone call to say thank you to someone and cheer them up makes a huge difference to me.

I just have to cope as best as I can. No one knows how they react until it happens to them and that is the honest truth. No one can say I would do this and be certain they would. I know I have been there and come out the other side. I am still doing that with various illnesses and it is tough having everything thrown at me at once. I just cope as best as I can and if anyone judges me for it then so be it.

It is like me not wearing my prothesis I am far more comfortable without it and am happier without it therefore I hardly wear it. If I get judged for that which I often do I turn around and say how would you feel if it happened to you?

Everyone of us is unique I am me and I stand up as me to be counted and help others.

Despite all the pain, sadness and what else life throws at me I face my fears and get on with whatever I have to do to get through life.

I am so lucky to have support and I know how much friends mean.

Best wishes

Fee

Not been around for a while - I am radioactive

I have not been able to post on my blogs for a while.

The reason is I have been ill with one thing and another. I am currently radio-active until later tonight due to the fact I had to have a bone scan done. This came as a complete shock as on Monday morning a breast care nurse telephoned me and asked if I had ever had one. When I gave her my hospital number which I know off by heart the number of times I have been there she checked and said "you have never had a bone scan".

On Tuesday morning I received a telephone call informing me that one had been arranged for the following day (yesterday). She went into great detail about needles and from that moment on I could not take in anything else she said. The reason is I have a fear of needles. I had no idea I had this fear until I went with someone to hospital to have a baby it was while they were cross matching her blood two nurses were carrying me out of the room as when I had seen the needle I had fainted.

So now I look away or tend to cope with the situations as best as possible.

I am feeling much better now thanks to friends who have supported me through this horrid ordeal.

I haven't felt my usual self for a while now but am starting to get back on my feet.

I am so glad I have my writing which I nearly gave up on thanks to one of my illnesses virtually taking over.

I will post my positive thoughts on my other blog in a moment but that is the current update for now.

Best wishes

Fee

Yet another horrendous week

I have been back and for to Shropdoc been back and for to hospital twice. Once was to be admitted and was promised there was a bed for me from the doctor at the out of hours service only to discover there wasn't so I ended up begging to go home rather than be stuck in a wheelchair all night uncomfortable and unable to obtain my medication.

After examination by a doctor I was finally allowed home as there were no beds.

This weekend has been pretty much the same.

Got up all bouncy on Saturday morning wanting a shower and hoping to go shopping. Got to the last step at the bottom of the stairs with Steve's help and I screamed with pain searing through the whole of my body. I was in spasm and could not move. My medication had already been taken so was not able to take any more.

Due to the out of hours service advising us on Wednesday morning not to call them out again for this problem Steve went to a neighbour who is a nurse. She said we had no choice but to call for an ambulance. Paramedics arrived gave me gas and air but what I really needed was a muscle relaxant injection which they are not allowed to give due to my conditions.

They then called the out of hours doctors who in turn came out at 3pm and administered said injection. Steve asked if we could have the medication in tablet form to prevent having to call them out and they refused saying that they had to have some back up for when my medication fails and besides the injection works quicker than the tablets.

So that was me shut down for the weekend.

Hope everyone else had a better time of things than I did

Best wishes

Fee

Sunday

Sunday was the worst day for me for a very long time. I was in so much pain my medication would not hit it. I ended up screaming each time I moved. Steve was at his wits end. I jsut said "I want the pain to end" I was begging for it to stop. Nothing was helping. In the end things seemed to go from bad to worse no matter what medication I took, muscle relaxatants, anti-inflammatories, pain killers, anti-sickness and despite the dose having been doubled only the Friday before nothing was working.

In the end we were desperate and rang the Samaritans at least they listened to both my husband and myself and could hear the distress we were in.

They adviced we telephoned NHS Direct who in turn telephoned the out of hours doctor. Luckily for us it was my own GP.

He has given me yet more medication to take on top of what I have already got and gave me an injection in my bum to settle me down for the night.

This meant I spent the whole of yesterday sleeping waking up in pain taking medication and sleeping again. I could not manage food.

Today I cut back slightly on the medication but when I crawled to the computer room and typed something the excruciating pain was back. I screamed. Steve bless him fetched my medication to try and keep me going.

So my writing at the moment is going to be sporadic "my poor diary is going to be neglected" sorry Simon I just have to do what is best.

I just hope I can cope better soon and that we get a diagnosis soon enough.

I just have to be patient and wait.

Best wishes

Fee

The good the bad and the ugly

All I am these days is tired or grumpy. Poor Steve gets everything the good the bad and the ugly thrown at him. The other day I was so cross I picked up my prothesis and threw it. It missed and bounced off the wall. Its only a piece of rubber so it won't do any harm anyway.

I had a new carer come yesterday with my experienced carer. The new one hadn't seen a mastectomy before so I knew she felt awkward and put her at ease especially with the "trainer" my friend being there I knew if I stepped out of line she would reassure the trainee. Anyway I explained what the trainee would see and what not to expect. We showed her my prothesis and how it fitted into a swimming costume or piece of underwear and then it was time for my shower. This was when she saw the scar and was not unnerved as I had pre warned her. I know its not my place to do this but we all have to start somewhere. I am lucky enough to be open and honest of how I am with with what has happened to me. It is still a loss and sometimes I look in the mirror and wish both had been taken not just one.

Last night I tried a top on and I know when I wore it I would have to wear my prothesis with it so that I know I will feel special in it. I looked at Steve when I was trying it on and asked him what he thought he was as honest with me as ever and we both agreed the prothesis would make the top. Decision made.

Side effects of my new regime of medication are terrible temper, anxiety, sleepiness, nausea and just feeling a general nuisance to everyone. I get so weary I fall asleep or yawn at the drop of a hat.

No warning just gone. I am beginning to look like a panda.

Mind you one thing about all this is I have gone child like. I can't have alcohol due to the medication so sweets have taken its place they are cheaper and last longer.

Sherbet Dip Dabs, Chewits, liquorice allsorts, jawbreakers, wham bars, black jacks, fruit salads you name it I have them. Its like going back in time. Shame Spangles got banned.

Best wishes

Fee

The worst week ever is now over

I have not been feeling great for a while but the symptoms are not permanent they come and go sporadically. So I am patiently waiting for a scan.

My back locked up in front of my paid carer on Thursday morning. She just stood there as due to "insurance" she is not allowed to help me move. I fully understand this as they are meant to have two care workers to lift someone once a diagnosis has been made".

This has now meant that Steve has had to give up work to care for me as I keep have these "moments" when I can't move my neck downwards apart from my left arm and my head and of course my mouth. Steve said the other day "I wish it was her mouth she couldn't move". I know its because I get grumpy when I get pain and I am scared its all natural when something like this happens.

So as of now Steve and I will be together in the house as much as possible. This means a new timetable has to be set up of antibiotics (yes yet another lot to take) and my painkillers and muscle relaxant. Antibiotics have to be timed an hour before food this therefore has a huge bearing on the timetable.

Once I have my muscle relaxants I am completely doped up and out of it so have to be monitored to stop me falling over or harming myself.

Also to incorporate into this timetable is "me" time for both Steve and I.

On top of that I want to keep busy with my writing and my charity work.

Sometimes things seem a huge task but if I break them down and just deal with one phone call at a time I am fine.

It is just the here and now I have to cope with. Not one day at a time but one minute at a time is how I am living right now.

Best wishes

Fee

Death

With the news of Jade going home to see her boys today it brought back the thoughts I had about my own death.

I have already told Steve I want to be cremated to "Come on Baby light my fire" and "Burn Baby Burn". Coincidence happened when my sister and I a couple of years ago were talking about death and I informed my brother in law what I wanted to happen. He looked amazed and when I asked why he asked if I had found out from my sister what she wanted. "No" with a puzzled expression on my face. He burst out laughing and said you can tell you are twins. We want exactly the same thing.

That day we went out for lunch and while there I knew exactly what I wanted from the menu my sister and I at the same time both spoke at once and the same words came out. It is uncanny at times that this happens no matter how hard I have tried to prevent this happening.

Now I don't have much to do with my sister but I know if she really needed my help I would no doubt offer it as usual but for now the void is large.

I just hope one day her bitterness ends and she can enjoy life again to its fullest.

This is why I battle on

When I was 22 I didn't think about health or life insurance and when I did land my first permanent job I tried to obtain it. Unfortunately by this time I had already had an operation and the insurance company needed me to be free of the condition for 2 years. Eighteen months later I was unlucky enough to have yet another operation on the same site. This is the result.

Now I fight so that the young ones can have a better chance of having what I could not have due to the fact I was ill. I didn't see myself as ill I just thought I have had a lump which has been removed and carried on working. Some days I wonder why I bothered to carry on working.

With the recession hitting everyone people are wondering if it is worth working at all or whether to go on benefits to try and claim everything that they can. Those that know the system seem to get everything and the "newbies" have no idea of how the system works and get put back to the end of the queue.

The phrase those that shout loudest comes to mind.

Last night I had Shropdoc out on a visit to me. Yes I was so bad I actually had to get a home visit. Normally we make the trek to the hospital and manage that way but last night it was impossible. I went into spasm from my neck down. I could not move my right arm, hand, back, legs or feet. The only things I could move were my head and my left arm.

I was given diazepam to ease the spasm and needless to say I was completely out of it this morning when Steve went to work. I didn't even open my eyes to say goodbye.

Steve even arranged for our neighbour to let my care worker in as he knew I would be groggy. The spasm has eased now and I am able to cope but I do worry as to what has caused this.

Never mind no point worrying just got to get on with things I suppose.

Best wishes

Fee

Making Progress

Little did I know what things were going to lead to from appearing in the media and how it was going to affect my life. Many people think when you appear on tv you get paid for it. Believe me you don't. You may be fortunate enough to get gifts but don't bank on it.

This is how I knew Steve was right for me and that my life would be happier with him than without him.

I have come a long way

I have come quite a distance since 2005 but to me it never seems far enough I always strive for more. Wanting things changed now not later.

Unfortunately life is not like that.

This was me nearly at rock bottom. I had been through worse in 2005 but this was make or break for me and Steve.

I am lucky I was able to take advice and moved on with my life.

Update

Well it seems things are conspiring against me. My cough has reappeared so hence I did not go swimming last night.

Steve as ever is supportive. Each time I cough or let him know I am in pain he suggests Hospital. This is a pain as I know we can't afford the car parking.

I just wish there was a solution to our problems but there does not appear to be one at the moment.

All I can do is keep hoping that I can stay positive to keep going.

Steve suggested opening a bottle of wine last night but to me that would be causing a downward spiral so we refrained from that.

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment and I can't understand how I feel dark clouds are looming but I try and dispel them. I am determined not to take anti-depressants or rely on other medication to help me through the day.

I take the bare minimum of pain killers as they aggravate my other health conditions.

That was why I was so hoping to go swimming last night.

Will see what today brings and who knows I may feel a bit better I am glad I can write as this helps me concentrate on how I really feel.

Today

I have not been feeling great for a while so decided to diarise events so that I have a record of what is actually happening to me. Also this can be used as a record for my GP and those that need it including the DWP.

Woke up this morning swollen joints as normal. Steve passed me a mug of coffee. This was fine for a while until my hands started to ache so he took it back again and placed it on the floor. I wanted a drink of coffee again within a few seconds the mug was broke and coffee spilt over the carpet. Why? I can't grip things for long in my right hand when it swells and the pain is intolerable.

I have a care assessment on Tuesday afternoon so will see what that produces.

Finally had a response from the DWP today my care rate has been raised a little to Middle Rate care but only until October 2010 as the future of my conditions are uncertain.

Still waiting for scans at Gobowen to be undertaken and no news yet on that score.

So have no idea why I feel like I do.

Just trying to keep going as best I can at present. Hoping to go swimming tonight as my cough has eased up.