Another Hospital Appointment Looms

Yet another hospital appointment looms. They seem to be coming like buses you wait for ages then they all come at once.

One thing I am doing though is counteracting them with positive things to do as much as possible like trying to sit on the sofa watching DVDs with my new husband (still can't believe we not had our honeymoon yet). What matters most is we get through all this together.

Honeymoons are a luxury we can ill afford at the moment what with various hospital appointments not knowing when or where I will get a call for the next appointment. This feels like a nightmare at times.

I am desperately trying to stay positive so that the severe depression does not win. It is so hard to do this as the slightest thing can bring it on.

I do what I can to alleviate the symptoms I try not to rely on too much medication and this seems to be working but there are days when I am human and get down.

I want to change the way things are done that get me down and I want it done like yesterday. I know I am not alone in the form filling nightmare with regards to benefits and feel that there should be a better way forward than what there currently is.

I counted up my consultants yesterday so far I have 10 and yet I still have to apply for DLA nearly every six months and these forms are a nightmare without the help of someone who knows the wording that is wanted for these forms it is nigh on impossible to get the benefits you are entitled to. I know I have been there too many times and in January finally got someone from the DWP to help us with these. Even with their help I have only been awarded DLA until 2010.

This means more form filling next year. I wish I wasn't so ill I wish I was "normal". I used to run, skip, jump and really enjoy life now every day is full of pain of some sort whether it be physical or mental it just drains my soul.

Some days I wake up and think what is the point of today, what can I do to make a difference? If I feel too ill the answer is rest and do nothing. Other times it is get out there and complain to my MP or write letters or campaign in anyway I can to try and change things.

Other days it is just putting my thoughts on to paper that helps me through the day.

Best of all I love surprising people as to see the joy on their faces means so much to me.

I just wish things were different in so many ways but they are not. They have happened for a reason to me and I have to fathom out what I can do to change things to help others who follow this horrid journey.

It is not all doom and gloom as I say I hardly sit here feeling sorry for myself I try and change things one way or another.

Whether it be a phone call to say thank you to someone and cheer them up makes a huge difference to me.

I just have to cope as best as I can. No one knows how they react until it happens to them and that is the honest truth. No one can say I would do this and be certain they would. I know I have been there and come out the other side. I am still doing that with various illnesses and it is tough having everything thrown at me at once. I just cope as best as I can and if anyone judges me for it then so be it.

It is like me not wearing my prothesis I am far more comfortable without it and am happier without it therefore I hardly wear it. If I get judged for that which I often do I turn around and say how would you feel if it happened to you?

Everyone of us is unique I am me and I stand up as me to be counted and help others.

Despite all the pain, sadness and what else life throws at me I face my fears and get on with whatever I have to do to get through life.

I am so lucky to have support and I know how much friends mean.

Best wishes

Fee