TB or not TB that is the question?

I have discovered my eldest nephew has TB. Now it appears that the asthma I was diagnosed with in November possibly isn't asthma. I am symptomatic of TB and really hope it isn't. I had the injection while at school the BCG to prevent me getting TB but as I have a low immune system I seem to get everything that is going. The reason I am at risk is any close family contact with anyone with TB and inhaling their breath from a living environment is more likely to contract the disease rather than a one off meeting outside the home. As my nephew was living with us prior to us getting married this is where the infection may have come from. My nephew has contracted it from living on the streets at a young age. Hopefully things will now improve for him.

I had a chest X-ray on Friday and will get the results this Friday. The TB nurse was really helpful and tried to put my mind at rest but as I have had close contact with my nephew it is a possibility. My husband will be checked as a matter of routine later on but the TB nurse was really concerned especially when she heard me coughing on the phone.

So I am in the middle of a waiting game. My nephew has medication to take for the next nine months (yes the length of time for waiting for a baby to arrive).

Oh boy my life seems to be a waiting game for various things at the moment.

I am coping as best I can and have turned to TFT for assistance too. This is certainly helping in reducing my stress levels.

This is having an impact on all my plans at the moment and I am trying not to let anything get in the way of what I want to achieve.

I just have to cope somehow.

At least it isn't lung cancer which is what he was being tested for for many months. The worry has been immense.

Best wishes.

Fee

Coping

Well last night was the first night I started taking my "mild" anti-depressants. Tried as I might to get some sleep, I was tossing and turning and unable to drift off into a long sleep which I am longng for. Yet again I had to get up and visit the bathroom. Yet again I returned to bed I even watched telly to alleviate how I felt and in the hope if I found something good on no doubt I would drop off to sleep half way through it.

All my hopes of getting a good night's sleep were dashed. It didn't happen.

Why have I been put on anti-depressants? Since mother's day I have had suicidal tendencies and I was trying to cope with everything like benefits not coming through when they should dealing with debts and trying to keep on top of everything else. Meanwhile my body is saying enough is enough and causing me more problems with other symptoms rearing their ugly head.

My back constantly hurts. My legs swell up and look like tree trunks. The muscle spasms are still occurring and I am trying my best to be positive but this positivity disappears at night when it is dark outside. A black cloud seems to loom above me and takes over my mind with one thought only I ought to get out of here.

During the day I try to conquer this feeling and do my best to be positive. The lack of sleep makes me tired and I get crabby. I am only human after all. I suppose in a way I am lucky I am still at home. Look at Spike Milligan what an inspiration. It is this that keeps me going.

I suppose people who have a talent no matter what it is will also have black moments and feel they can't cope.

I am lucky I have the support of my husband without who I would not be here today and he knows that full well.

I feel like a split personality desperately trying to stay positive while all around me is collapsing in disarray.

I am like a coin I have two sides one positive the other negative. I try to hide the negative side but that is true life we all have burdens to bear.

I am fortunate in that I can be honest with myself and others in what I have endured and am enduring. I have a counsellor and now my medication. One day I will beat these feelings and be able to lock them up in a box but for now they are scattered on the floor and have to be tidied up just like I have emptied out a large old school trunk.

I will keep going and one day everything will be tidy, in its own space and place and it will then I will be able to be at peace but in the meantime I am like a ship riding out a storm.

Best wishes

Fee