HOSPITAL AGAIN

I wasn't worried about my hospital appointment today. I thought I would be in and out but it wasn't like that. I saw the vampire again for blood tests.

I have to have a bronchoscopy on 4th August.

I also discovered that I have a gynae appointment on the 14th August. I have been waiting for this appointment since the 27th February.

So a glut of hospital appointments all at once. TYPICAL me.

Never mind I know there are others far worse off than me and I will cope and get through everything thrown at me. I just have to break it down into little sections and try not to worry too much.

My biggest worry was last week so the rest should be easy.

Best wishes to everyone

Fee

HIDING

I want to hide and run away from everything that is happening to me.

Hospital appointments are looming one is tomorrow the other the following Wednesday.

I want to bury myself in my blankets and go to sleep forever. I know life is for living but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I wish my life could be easy. Life is tough I know that more than most. I just wish I could overcome my fear of walking through those hospital doors and sit in the waiting room of the clinic. That is the worst for me the waiting. I hope it is not too long this time.

Many times before I have been sat in the waiting room and nearly bolted out of it. It is fear but what on earth am I afraid of?

My head is in my hands and I keep shaking. The more times I go to hospital the worse it is. Ignorance is bliss, well it is in my eyes and under these circumanstances.

Once tomorrow's appointment is over so will the fear be.

Then the day before the next one the fear will start again.

I wish I could control my feelings but then that would make me boring I suppose. It shows I am human and have feelings too.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

I am Fat

Having discovered I have gained a waist of 38" I am on a mission to lose the added weight I have gained. Not only will I be going swimming but I am also going to be using this dvd http://www.officialleanne.com/

So I am determined to lose the weight which is aggravating my joints and lose my writers bum.

Best wishes to everyone

Fee

A bit like Buses

Why oh why does this happen in my life. I have been waiting for several appointments at the hospital since 27th February. Now some of them are scheduled for next month. Well three at least and I haven't heard about the rest yet.

I was hoping they would be spread out throughout the year so that I could really enjoy July.

Never mind job searching will have to go on to the back burner yet again. Just my luck. I pluck up thoughts to be positive and look for work to regain my independence but hey ho.

Scuppered again.

Well as the song goes I get knocked down but I get up again. This is what is going to keep me going.

I have also discovered a wasit size of 38" EEEK this in some manufacturers of clothing means I am an 18. Strange how my size 14 leggings fit but they are stretchy so that makes up for a lot. So it is definitely off to the swimming pool with me this week.

So it is an early start for me tomorrow. I aim to be in the pool at 7 am.

Best wishes

Fee

TB or not TB that is the question?

I have discovered my eldest nephew has TB. Now it appears that the asthma I was diagnosed with in November possibly isn't asthma. I am symptomatic of TB and really hope it isn't. I had the injection while at school the BCG to prevent me getting TB but as I have a low immune system I seem to get everything that is going. The reason I am at risk is any close family contact with anyone with TB and inhaling their breath from a living environment is more likely to contract the disease rather than a one off meeting outside the home. As my nephew was living with us prior to us getting married this is where the infection may have come from. My nephew has contracted it from living on the streets at a young age. Hopefully things will now improve for him.

I had a chest X-ray on Friday and will get the results this Friday. The TB nurse was really helpful and tried to put my mind at rest but as I have had close contact with my nephew it is a possibility. My husband will be checked as a matter of routine later on but the TB nurse was really concerned especially when she heard me coughing on the phone.

So I am in the middle of a waiting game. My nephew has medication to take for the next nine months (yes the length of time for waiting for a baby to arrive).

Oh boy my life seems to be a waiting game for various things at the moment.

I am coping as best I can and have turned to TFT for assistance too. This is certainly helping in reducing my stress levels.

This is having an impact on all my plans at the moment and I am trying not to let anything get in the way of what I want to achieve.

I just have to cope somehow.

At least it isn't lung cancer which is what he was being tested for for many months. The worry has been immense.

Best wishes.

Fee

Coping

Well last night was the first night I started taking my "mild" anti-depressants. Tried as I might to get some sleep, I was tossing and turning and unable to drift off into a long sleep which I am longng for. Yet again I had to get up and visit the bathroom. Yet again I returned to bed I even watched telly to alleviate how I felt and in the hope if I found something good on no doubt I would drop off to sleep half way through it.

All my hopes of getting a good night's sleep were dashed. It didn't happen.

Why have I been put on anti-depressants? Since mother's day I have had suicidal tendencies and I was trying to cope with everything like benefits not coming through when they should dealing with debts and trying to keep on top of everything else. Meanwhile my body is saying enough is enough and causing me more problems with other symptoms rearing their ugly head.

My back constantly hurts. My legs swell up and look like tree trunks. The muscle spasms are still occurring and I am trying my best to be positive but this positivity disappears at night when it is dark outside. A black cloud seems to loom above me and takes over my mind with one thought only I ought to get out of here.

During the day I try to conquer this feeling and do my best to be positive. The lack of sleep makes me tired and I get crabby. I am only human after all. I suppose in a way I am lucky I am still at home. Look at Spike Milligan what an inspiration. It is this that keeps me going.

I suppose people who have a talent no matter what it is will also have black moments and feel they can't cope.

I am lucky I have the support of my husband without who I would not be here today and he knows that full well.

I feel like a split personality desperately trying to stay positive while all around me is collapsing in disarray.

I am like a coin I have two sides one positive the other negative. I try to hide the negative side but that is true life we all have burdens to bear.

I am fortunate in that I can be honest with myself and others in what I have endured and am enduring. I have a counsellor and now my medication. One day I will beat these feelings and be able to lock them up in a box but for now they are scattered on the floor and have to be tidied up just like I have emptied out a large old school trunk.

I will keep going and one day everything will be tidy, in its own space and place and it will then I will be able to be at peace but in the meantime I am like a ship riding out a storm.

Best wishes

Fee

More problems

I have been dianosed yesterday with cluster migraines. Oh boy this was a shock when it hit last night. I have had migraines in the past but this was scary.

My left eye swelled and pain spread down my face. I could not cope with light and felt terribly sick. I was quite scared. We phoned the doctors straight away and was given an appointment straigtht away at the out of hours service. We got there and the doctor was extremely kind.

I thought it may have been a link to Bells Palsy again something I have suffered with in the past.

When he told me it was a cluster migraine I was relieved it was nothing more serious. I have a lot of medication at home and luckily some of that will treat this condition.

I was relieved to be going back home. Poor Steve was up and down like a yo yo in the night looking after me as I was unable to pull the covers back onto the sofa where I am sleeping and during the night I ended up moaning in my sleep so he came down to comfort me.

I am glad it was nothing more serious.

I have had enough of being ill.

Best wishes

Fee