Coping

Well last night was the first night I started taking my "mild" anti-depressants. Tried as I might to get some sleep, I was tossing and turning and unable to drift off into a long sleep which I am longng for. Yet again I had to get up and visit the bathroom. Yet again I returned to bed I even watched telly to alleviate how I felt and in the hope if I found something good on no doubt I would drop off to sleep half way through it.

All my hopes of getting a good night's sleep were dashed. It didn't happen.

Why have I been put on anti-depressants? Since mother's day I have had suicidal tendencies and I was trying to cope with everything like benefits not coming through when they should dealing with debts and trying to keep on top of everything else. Meanwhile my body is saying enough is enough and causing me more problems with other symptoms rearing their ugly head.

My back constantly hurts. My legs swell up and look like tree trunks. The muscle spasms are still occurring and I am trying my best to be positive but this positivity disappears at night when it is dark outside. A black cloud seems to loom above me and takes over my mind with one thought only I ought to get out of here.

During the day I try to conquer this feeling and do my best to be positive. The lack of sleep makes me tired and I get crabby. I am only human after all. I suppose in a way I am lucky I am still at home. Look at Spike Milligan what an inspiration. It is this that keeps me going.

I suppose people who have a talent no matter what it is will also have black moments and feel they can't cope.

I am lucky I have the support of my husband without who I would not be here today and he knows that full well.

I feel like a split personality desperately trying to stay positive while all around me is collapsing in disarray.

I am like a coin I have two sides one positive the other negative. I try to hide the negative side but that is true life we all have burdens to bear.

I am fortunate in that I can be honest with myself and others in what I have endured and am enduring. I have a counsellor and now my medication. One day I will beat these feelings and be able to lock them up in a box but for now they are scattered on the floor and have to be tidied up just like I have emptied out a large old school trunk.

I will keep going and one day everything will be tidy, in its own space and place and it will then I will be able to be at peace but in the meantime I am like a ship riding out a storm.

Best wishes

Fee